Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
