Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
