ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
