UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
