I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
