I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
