We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Randomize
