I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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