I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
