I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
