You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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