he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
