You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
