if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
