and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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