Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
