After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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