I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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