I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
