I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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