I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize