you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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