Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
