I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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