I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
