You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
