Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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