so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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