I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
