Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
