I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
