i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
