ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize