yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
