dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize