know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize