My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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