made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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