I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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