It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was born a porn star she said
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
