he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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