I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
