Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
