so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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