I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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