hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
