you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize