No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
