Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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