Midget sex pt 2 tonight
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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