My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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