If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I deserve this hangover.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
