I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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