Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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