i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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