i want to swaddle you in tequila
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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