He is like the real live version of the state fair..
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I made him laugh his dick is mine
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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