and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize