My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
