"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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