Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
