she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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