I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
