phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
