I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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