the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
