dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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